And now: a long overdue update

March 13, 2014 at 4:01 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

Other than the writing I’ve just posted (which I actually wrote last night, and put first on Fetlife), I’ve not updated this blog for several months.

The latter part of 2013 was… hard. Very hard. My fainting fit at my first weekend with the Ranger turned out to be seizures. I have Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder, it turns out: probably kicked off by stress from the divorce, and the fall-out from all of the abuse (both by my family, and by the Warrior). Then I spent much of the autumn very mentally ill indeed, and frequently suicidal. The combination of the two have led to a massive flare-up of my ME/CFS, and I’m mostly needing to use my wheelchair when out and about.

I got through it. I got through it, and spring is here. I’m still living with the Magician, and we have Exciting Life Plans. And I’m still in a relationship with the Ranger — indeed, we count the beginning of our relationship from March 17th, so it’s our anniversary in a few days. Both my relationships are a constant source of joy and strength.

The Warrior and I are now divorced. We’re on oddly quite good terms, especially having had a nice chat at a social event a few weeks ago. We still have some paperwork to sort out. I’m managing to hold in my head that odd twisty thing where I like him and wish him very well, but still have a lot of work to do to heal from his emotional, financial and sexual abuse of me. Brains are funny, people are complex. So the world goes. 😉

My body has changed a little more. Illness has aged me in the past year, and the inevitable lack of exercise from the ME flare-up has led to my putting on some more weight. I’ve been suffering from sporadic problems with emotional over-eating. I’m mostly not too happy about this, but accepting it, especially recalling that it’s likely to be temporary. I finally noticed in the autumn that with the extra weight and just the shape-changing of aging, I am no longer a small-breasted person! I was fitted for bras a few weeks ago, and it turns out that I’m roughly a 34DD. I now have three excellent bras (a plain white sports bra, a gorgeous black plunge bra, a super-sexy black-and-red lacy thing), and also a binder, and so enjoy the wonders of, essentially, optional breasts. As a polygendered person? Really not hating that.

I’m having physiotherapy to sort out some of my joint problems and trouble with walking. I’m getting a little more toned from the physio exercises, and I am noticing yet again that despite everything I actually put on muscle very quickly. I’m managing to lift weights more often, and am starting to get some biceps. Also not hating that.

Sex and kink are hard to do much of when very ill, but I’ve had some glorious times over the last few months for all that, especially with the Ranger. The Magician’s becoming more confident in identifying as “grey-ace”, or simply as asexual, and we have started to find more ways of finding the spaces where our kinks converge and creating beautiful things there. Here is where poly comes into its own, of course, because I am, it turns out, when free from abusive relationships, really an intensely sexual as well as kinky person. The Magician creating art on me and then spanking me and photographing me is both a memory that will stay with me for a while, and an event that we both hope and intend will happen more often! We’ve discussed him painting my breasts. We’ve talked about the use of clothes pegs on my nipples. I’m wondering how it would feel to have him flog my breasts and then draw on them. I have as a motivation for us both to catch up on laundry, to have him choose my outfit before we go out to social occasions, so that all evening I can feel secretly, decoratively, his.

Meanwhile, the last time the Ranger and I were alone in his house, I ended up tied by my wrists to a bedpost and spanked, hard. Then making myself come at his command, while he made patterns with rope across my chest. Then showering together, stroking each other’s wet skin with increasing fervour. Then being pressed against the cold wall of the shower while he kissed me, hard. Then sinking to my knees below the stream of water, taking him in my mouth. Then back in the bedroom, being soundly fucked on my hands and knees. And swearing comedically after he made me come yet again, him wielding a vibrator on my clit, his eyes holding mine.

I also note that it’s been rather too long since I last dominated the Ranger. And I have some fun ideas for what might happen when next I do. 😉

The difference the past year has made to my confidence and ease with my sexuality and kink-self is extraordinary. I suspect I still have some way to go! But it’s wonderful, to be able to feel that none of the things that have happened to me – not the rapes, nor the abuse, nor the crushing daily impact of the patriarchy – have succeeded in permanently robbing me of my sexual power, nor of my sovereignty and confidence in my body. It took a long time, but I am starting to get my power back.

Life and healing have some hard challenges ahead for me, I know. But after such a distance already travelled, and with two such wonderful partners to help me on my journey? I think I’m going to get there. 🙂

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A blessed weekend :-)

May 13, 2013 at 10:46 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Me, just now, to the Magician: “So, should I be worried that I’m pining a bit now for the Ranger? Does it mean that I’m not going to be able to make the long distance relationship work?”

The Magician, grinning: “No, not at *all*.”

Me, also grinning: “Are you pining a bit for [person] now?”

The Magician: “Maaaybe a little bit. 🙂 “

 

Hee. 🙂

It was a glorious weekend. It started rather stressfully – we learned only on Wednesday that we were having a flat inspection on the Friday, specifically during the first three hours of the Ranger’s visit, and well after the Magician would have left for *his* date weekend, with one of his other partners.

Cue frantic tidying and cleaning, all made more difficult by the fact that the Magician and I are both disabled! We had a lot of help from a couple of friends, and vast amount of moral support from several others. And by the time the Magician left, the flat looked really rather nice.

 

The Ranger was comfortably on time. And the flat inspector was right at the end of her window, which meant 2 1/2 – 3 hours of sitting on the sofa waiting for her to arrive, cuddling and chatting and in a state of some desperation because we had been waiting for so long to be alone together…

She arrived, it was pretty painless. And then she left.

And then the Ranger and I were, finally, alone together in an empty flat, with no one scheduled to arrive and disturb us… 🙂

 

I have so many glorious memories of the weekend, it’s hard to keep them in any sort of order, so I shan’t try.

I gave him his first spanking. And he gave me the first spanking he had given anyone. He is… a quick learner.

I left marks on his skin. He left them on mine. My nipples are still a little tender from his teeth. I suspect he still has that bite on his thigh.

We switched a great deal, sometimes with an almost dizzying speed. Sometimes with a few hours between, because there’s a limit to how fast either of us can switch when sunk quite that hard in subspace. 😉

I remember those beautiful eyes of his pinning me to the bed. The quiet, calm, hypnotic intensity of his dom-voice. His hand locking in my hair and pulling tight. The love, the care, the delicately raised eyebrow. He was merciless and sadistic and joyful, and he had me feeling utterly helpless and entirely safe and cherished.

I remember those same eyes, wide and overwhelmed. Gazing helplessly into mine. I remember him shaking. I remember the feel of his skin beneath my hand. His long, slender, glorious beauty. The way his bottom blushed *adorably* beneath my hairbrush. The way in which he drank up pleasure and pain. The sound of him gasping, and crying out.

The way in which he calls me, “sir”. He has a beautiful voice, with a slight west country accent, especially when his guard is down. Between how happy it makes my gender, and the slight, gorgeous burr he put on the word… *happy*.

 

It was like, and unlike, the fantasies we’ve been exchanging. Physical and mental health and other realities intervened. Twice, I had flashbacks – both times he was wonderful, giving me space or cherishing as I needed it. Once, I actually passed out (I was awfully dehydrated, looking back!). He looked after me wonderfully.

And of course, bondage tape wouldn’t tear properly, and things were dropped, and there were socks, all of the other down-to-earth things that involve real bodies and real time, especially with me being dyspraxic. 😉 And, it was all good! We were patient, and loving with each other, and laughed when things went amusingly wrong. I loved the IMs, but reality was just so much… *more*.

 

Plus of course we did various other wonderful things that had nothing to do with sex or kink. 😉 We read Shakespeare in bed together! We went to the theatre! We made each other lovely food! And we talked and talked and talked. We took awfully good care of each other. And a few times I got to lie on my back and hold him curled up against me with his head on my chest, which was more precious than I can easily describe.

I am even more deeply in love with him than I was before the weekend, and I am beyond delighted that I get to see him again in just over 10 days. 🙂

 

I miss him, inevitably. Really rather a lot. I am pining a bit. But mostly, I just feel incredibly blessed. In the Magician and the Ranger, I really do have two quite ridiculously wonderful, brilliant, kind, delightful, beautiful and generally amazing, partners.

I am very, very lucky. 🙂

 

And… and, yeah. I had a sexually/kinkily active weekend. My sexual/kink power is a real thing now, and I get to use it. And to not be totally thrown when my PTSD flares up. This is kind of amazing and wonderful, and *yay*. 🙂

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Finding my dominance again: happiness, confidence, and a certain amount of awe…

April 20, 2013 at 12:26 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

It is a mark of the enormous trust I have for the Magician that I can submit to him, and I honestly did not expect that I would ever want to, let alone feel able to, submit to anyone else.

The Ranger and I are still a little under three weeks away from our first date, but it’s very clear already that we both passionately want him to dominate me. Our chats have been getting, if anything, steamier, more desperate, and around 50% of them have involved him dominating me. Including one last night that I am still joyfully reeling from. 🙂

And the other 50% involve me dominating him, and that’s where things get interesting. Because, thanks to the Magician, I already have some healthy, positive, *exceedingly hot* experiences as a sub. Yes, it takes a level of trust that I never truly thought I’d find with anyone other than the Magician. But it is a part of me that I have already started to become comfortable with. A part of me I understand. A way of inhabiting kink space that I find healing and helpful, as well as fantastically hot. Finding that I love submitting to the Ranger as well as the Magician was a surprise and a pleasure for us both, but in retrospect, it makes total sense.

But my own experiences prior to this as a dom, other than a couple of ill-advised chats several years ago with a Bad News person, have all involved the Warrior. Not good. Not good at all. When I first started writing this blog, I was genuinely of the opinion that I might never enjoy dominating anyone again – I was beginning to wonder if I’d been mistaken in believing myself as a switch. I had a few toppy feelings towards the Magician (he really does have a gloriously spankable bottom 🙂 ), but obviously never acted on them.  But no really *dominant* feelings, and all far less powerful than my submissive feelings towards him.

I have learned to associate dominating, with being cajoled, pressurised, into doing something for someone whose submission to me was never about *me*, and never came with genuine respect. With using that control as a means of keeping myself safe, not to truly enjoy it. And the very thought of engaging as a dom in the kind of intense mind-fucks that the Magician and I enjoy, repelled me in the extreme – because the only sub I thought I’d ever have was the Warrior, and over the last few years especially, I just didn’t want to get our brains that close to each other.

Dominating someone is, if done right, at least as much of an exercise of trust in them as submitting to them. This I knew – but, in the midst of what my relationship with the Warrior had become, and how he treated me – I never joined the dots. Never realised that my absolute, and warranted, lack of trust in him, was part of the problem here…

So, that gives some context to what follows.

Which is, that dominating the Ranger is something I am finding both ferociously hot, and utterly safe and lovely. That winning his trust, giving him wonderful experiences, having him entirely at my mercy and loving what I’m doing to him, is intoxicating and glorious and makes me boggle at myself for ever thinking that I might not be a switch.

And there is added power in it, because before he and I started our chatting and shared fantasies, he believed he was entirely a dom. That he can and does joyfully submit to me, that I’ve helped him discover and explore this side of him, is one of the greatest honours I can imagine. Every time I look at his fetlife profile, and see that he now describes himself as a switch, when before he did not, I find myself smiling. I laugh about it sometimes – claim to be smug, wonder whether there’s a switch equivalent of the toaster that members of the Bisexual Recruitment Army get. 😉 But actually, most of what I feel is awe, and gratitude, and responsibility, and protectiveness, and love. I treasure it, and I treasure him.

So far, we’ve only shared fantasies, and snatched moments of privacy last weekend. But I’ve given him his first taste of subspace. I’ve come very close to hypnotising him, with just a look and a few words. I’ve made him shake, and made him gasp, and made him swear. I’ve drawn intense, automatic obedience from him. I’ve rendered him speechless, and also sent him to a place where he’s described his submissive feelings with such a beautiful, touching eloquence that, re-reading it, it almost made me cry.

I’ve found aspects of dominance within myself that I didn’t know I had. And I know the kind of dom that I am, and want to be: ruthless, calm, sadistic – but also caring, affectionate, nurturing. Full of praise for pain well taken, obedience well given. Full of encouragement, full of forgiveness. And absolutely in control.

I’ve learned from the best – shamelessly borrowing from some aspects of the Magician’s domming style, and also a little from what I’ve seen of the Ranger’s own style as a dom. But most of all, I’ve found those places in my brain that buzz delightfully at taking a strong, powerful, brilliant, beautiful, wonderful man, and having him give me that power. At playing with it, and with him. And then returning it to him, stronger, I hope, than ever. I’ve found those places in my brain, and I’ve mixed them with just the person that I am, and I like what comes of that.

I pray that I never quite get over how magical this all is, nor ever take it for granted.

I feel like, for the first time in my life, I am truly, genuinely pretty happy with my sexual and kink-self. I’ve still got ways to go, but the background level is that of comfort, of safety, of self-respect, of content. And, even though my mental health is very poor just now, and I’m feeling broken and weak in many ways, the new strength that feeling at ease with myself sexually for the first time is bringing me, is giving me firm and powerful hopes for how very, very well I am eventually going to be.

And in the meantime, just… *wow*. Being a switch is the best. And the Magician and the Ranger are wonderful. I am awfully lucky. 🙂

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All at sea, or, how I’m going to start building up a NSFW supplies collection ethically and with no money…

April 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I don’t, actually, know whether I currently own any sex or kink equipment.

The Warrior and I collectively had really quite a lot, mostly purchased years and years ago.

He used lots of it with his now-only-partner without checking with me first (meh 😦 ), and I have no idea whether in moving the things he wants to his new place, he left anything for me.

Most of it, I’m not sure whether I’d want now. Too many bad associations, and lots of the stuff wasn’t actually that good. (Pathetic little flogger from Ann Summers that did little other than leave bits of cheap suede everywhere, vicious metal handcuffs that are too uncomfortable for me to be much interested in experiencing them now, either on top or bottom. And so on. We were young, and unaware that there were better things out there.)

But I am rather hoping that when I next go to the house we used to live in, and sort out/collect some more of my stuff, he has at least left my cock behind. :-S It’s a gorgeous purple strap-on with purple velvet harness. It’s *beautiful*. And I found it very helpful indeed at a time when I was feeling particularly gender dysphoric. And it’s mine. Dammit. Not his. And definitely, *definitely* not hers.

We’ll see. If they really have taken it with them, it’s not like I’ll want it back. In time, eventually, I will acquire another one…

And in the meantime, I am thinking that I am going to have to – and certainly want to! – gradually build up a collection of sex and kink Things that I really like.

With the Magician, I do have some very delightful objects. Between us we have: his heavy paddle brush, the gorgeous cane (which scares me, for all the right reasons…), the beautiful flogger he made for himself (complete with epoxy-resin handle moulded to his hand…), the strips of theatre blackout curtain for bondage purposes. And of course, my collar and chain-leash. But those are either his, or things that are very much only for use with him. I rather like the idea of building up a collection – partly of things that I consider as mine to use with whomever I like, partly of more things for use with the Magician, and partly, I hope, of things for particular use with the Ranger. 🙂

The Magician might well be up for making me a flogger of my own at some point – though he is rather overloaded with other work, and he only sporadically feels up to making things for sex/kink purposes, which is fair enough. 😉

Building up a new collection will take a while. And there are so very many things I want to do with/to the Ranger, and that I’d like him to do with/to me, for which some form of equipment would be advantageous. The most important bits of equipment (mutual respect and love, utterly filthy imaginations, etc.), we definitely have in plentiful supply. 🙂 And I have a reasonably decent hairbrush for spanking purposes, plus one or two items of a vibrating nature… 😉 But other things… yes. I need.

I just went online and purchased some fair trade condoms. I am INCREDIBLY EXCITED at the existence of fair trade condoms. 🙂 I went for the fair-squared ones.

Beyond that, well, frankly, there are three problems:

– I don’t really know which suppliers to start looking at. I’m not that much in the scene – I sort of hover on the edge of it. And it’s a long time since I’ve done much purchasing of these things.

– I really want to purchase ethically-sourced things wherever possible, and annoyingly it looks like this is extra hard to do when buying kinky things. Or possibly it isn’t! I don’t know.

– I can’t actually afford anything other than the condoms at this point. 😉

Nothing I can do about the third of those especially! But if any of you, dear readers, are aware of (UK-based) sources of good-quality, reasonably-priced equipment for tying, spanking, insertion, pinching and other delightful treasures, I am very much open to recommendations. Even if it’s just so that I can start saving up. 🙂

I have been looking at Sh!’s website, and eying up some beautiful black leather, fur-lined handcuffs and wristcuffs, with D-rings. They would look breathtakingly sexy on the Ranger, and possibly pretty good on me. And they also look comfy, which for the most part is a lot of what I look for in bondage equipment. I totally can’t afford them yet. But possibly something to save up for. Is anyone able to comment on whether Sh!’s stuff is decent quality?

Ah well. Acquiring such things can be a medium-long term aim, and the last thing I should do right now is put pressure on myself to be an epically well-supplied kinkster, especially when finances are something of a struggle, and I’m rather short of space! And especially when the Magician can turn me into a helpless, moaning puddle with one hand gripping my hair, and the thumbnail of his other hand digging in hard and slowly across my lower back. Especially when stroking the Ranger on the back of his neck and locking gazes with him seems to produce some *very* interesting effects, and the sound of his whisper telling me one or two of the things he’d like to do to me, had me shivering with want. We have hands, we have tongues, we have teeth, we have eyes, we have minds.

But, yeah. In the long-run? A nice toy collection would also be rather pleasing.

And I am still so ridiculously excited about the fair trade condoms. 😉

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In which I name New Person, and squee rather a lot ;-)

April 14, 2013 at 9:41 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’ve spent a while over the past few days, contemplating a good fantasy archetype to use as a pseudonym on here for New Person.

I wondered about the Herald – with his wonderful projecting acting voice, and his bringing light and change into my life.

I wondered about the Shape-Shifter – acknowledging his switchiness, and his skill as an actor.

But neither of those felt quite rightly about him.

And finally, “the Ranger” slipped into my brain. And, of course he’s the Ranger. He loves walking in the countryside. He is built like the ranger archetype – tall and thin and ruggedly beautiful. He loves to explore, and is passionately curious about so much of life despite his depression.

Part of that exploration involves things he and I would like to do with and to each other, and the thought of that is… intoxicating.

We saw each other yesterday for the first time since our little mini-date in a cafe, the day after I asked him out. So, for the first time in nearly four weeks.

Our first actual date is still another four weeks away! But we had a small house party and play-reading yesterday, to celebrate the Magician’s birthday, and obviously the Ranger was one of the guests.

We were reading through “Julius Caesar”. I was playing Brutus, the Ranger was playing Cassius, the Magician was playing Antony. All The Feels. 🙂

The Ranger and I were fairly coupled-up at various points. Everyone, very definitely including the Magician, regarded this as both entertaining and exceedingly endearing. 😉 And the Ranger now has firm approval from one of the Magician’s other partners, who was there – and they are someone who is not easy to please, and is very protective of me. They are a good judge of character, and, while they never said so to me, were always a bit dubious about the Warrior. Their obvious liking for the Ranger is unsurprising, but deeply pleasing and reassuring.

When around others, the Ranger and I were fairly chaste in our snuggling. We sat close to each other, sometimes in each other’s arms. And as time went on, found it more and more impossible to not touch each other. I remember him chatting to various people while stroking my back, and drifting off into a reverie.

And every so often we would sneak into the kitchen, and kiss, and hold each other, and caress each other fiercely through our clothes, and gaze into each other’s eyes (and generally be utterly unspeakable 😉 ), and the sheer overwhelming mutual want was both glorious and agonising. I’ve gone in the space of a few weeks from wondering if I would ever get my libido back, to, well, this. Absolutely burning for each other. It is wonderful. 🙂

We’re seeing each other again today. Again, mostly in company, but I suspect we will still find another couple of quiet moments to torture each other and ourselves so delightfully.

And then, we won’t see each other for nearly four weeks. Which will be another form of delightful torture – with the anticipation, the lovely chatting. The waiting, but also the enjoying being together apart. The celebrating each other’s lives in different cities.

And I should also note here, one of the things that makes me happiest. Chatting in the kitchen with the Magician, the Ranger and the Magician’s aforementioned other partner. Far, far more relaxed and mutually friendly and respectful than any group containing the Magician and the Warrior ever was.

I amused quite a few people yesterday by pointing out that I had upgraded my polycule. It was silly, and funny, but also quite true. The chosen extended family aspect of polyamoury is part of what I love about it. And I’m now in a position where my loves get on really well with each other, and where all three of my metamours are truly excellent people whom I adore, and who are friends of mine in their own right.

As I’ve said a few times on this blog, my life at the moment has a vast amount of stress attached, along with grief, anger, and all the rest.

The Magician’s deep, wondrous love and care for me, and the fierce joy of falling in love with the Ranger – and the happy satisfaction of knowing that they truly like and respect each other – are like these shining lights in the midst of it all. I have really rather a lot of genuine happiness to go with the sorrow and pain and anxiety. And eventually, hopefully in the next six months, the dust from the ending of my marriage will clear. We’ll have sorted out the money, the divorce will be through. I’ll be able to start getting on with the rest of my life. And I’ll still have the Magician and the Ranger, and many, many wonderful friends, to walk at least some of that path with me.

Yay. 🙂

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