Also, a note on rage

October 4, 2011 at 2:02 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I was reading more of Healing Sex yesterday, in particular what to do about triggers during sexual activity.

Both during sexual activity and at other times, the most common trigger for me to get at the moment is rage.

This isn’t surprising. I have a *huge* amount of rage and anger stored up from when I was a child. Most of it I turned into anxiety or depression, or bottled it within my body where it contributed to my disabilities and generally high state of physical tension. We all find ways of coping with abuse, and with being taught by abusers that certain emotions aren’t acceptable, and that was mine. I’m not at all an angry person in the way that I interact with people as an adult. But the rage is still there, stored up – and hurting me. And making it harder for me to express legitimate anger when I experience it now.

I think there will come a point where sexual and/or kink activity can be part of healing from that. At the moment, it very much isn’t – and I’m especially scared of hitting some of that anger while topping, for obvious reasons. I have a clearer idea of the kind of Dom I want to be now – one whose power shows in calm, in focus, in quiet control. Very much a benevolent sadism! The Magician’s domminess is very much of that ilk, and it’s what I find sexiest, as well as most accessible from my own character. I think it will dovetail rather beautifully with the Warrior’s cheerful, hedonistic submissiveness, too! It’s also, I note, the most clear and thorough contrast with the total, vicious lack of control that I experienced from my abusers. That is, unsurprisingly, very important to me.

So! One of the things I am working on at the moment is finding ways of expressing and channeling my anger in ways that are satisfying but also non-harmful to myself and others. And, where at all possible, actively helpful!

I’ve had some lovely suggestions from various friends of mine, including sword-fighting with the Magician (he has some LARP swords, and is a fine swordsman himself 🙂 ), learning to bake bread, vicious cleaning in the bathroom, helping the Warrior with throwing bottles into a recycling skip, primal screaming, and getting one of those elasticated stress balls. Practising my jabs and crosses and kicks for the forthcoming acting challenge may also help. I’ve also had hitting (sturdy) trees with sticks suggested to me. I’m less convinced about the last of those, and will at least need to ask permission from the tree before I do it, and thank it afterwards! Maybe one or two might be okay with that though. 🙂

I’ll see how things go. It is very nice to have some ideas to be going on with (though I’m certainly up for more suggestions!) I think that expressing my stored up rage – both as it arises from triggering, and, where I can, as I deliberately seek out new layers of it – is one of the most important healing activities that I can be doing. Wish me luck?

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Healing with masturbation

September 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

I’ve been reading bits of the book “Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma”, by Staci Haines. Which I highly recommend, I might add, though I’ve not gone beyond the first couple of chapters yet.

One of the first exercises given in the book is an exploration of self-touching, and of giving oneself patience and compassion as you invoke your own sexual power.

The phrase “sexual power” associated with my body’s pleasure responses is one that felt totally alien to me when I first read about it. I’ve always associated sexual arousal and pleasure with *lacking* power – with having it taken away from me without my consent, as well as with consensual fantasies of sexual submission.

Which would be one reason why I have great difficulty reaching orgasm when not in a submissive situation, of course. Dominance, for me, has always been about giving pleasure, and submission about receiving it. Which isn’t a bad starting place, but both dominance and submission can be so much richer and more varied than that!

When I first tried the exercise, I had to use all of my self-compassion and patience to stay with the concept of arousal = my sexual power, and not be deflected by intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, a sense of disempowerment, panic, shame and self-disgust.

I kept with it. I rocked my pelvis. I enjoyed lying on a hard floor with a pillow beneath my head.

Then I thought about grounding with the Earth, about making myself safe. About making the space around me sacred.

Then something interesting happened. 😉 Something that I can’t describe fully, and should not in a public space even if I could. Something private. But suffice to say that I had a Visitor. Wild, benign and, well, rather masculine. 😉

My orgasm, when it came, was fierce and beautiful. And, for the first time in my life, it made me feel more, not less powerful. More, not less safe. More, not less loving of my body and my pleasure responses.

So, that was interesting. 😉

Since then, I’ve done my best to keep practising the lesson I learned that day.

And something very interesting that emerged not long after was that I can keep that sense of empowerment *even when my fantasies are submissive*. My arousal, my orgasm – these are powerful things that I own. In submission I give power to a Dom (real or imaginary!), but I then receive my own sexual power back tenfold. D/s is about *sharing* power. Playing with the exceedingly sexy idea of it all going one way, but in reality, ideally, enhancing and celebrating the sexual power of everybody involved.

I’m still, at the time of writing this, not really in a good space for having sex with either of my partners. Especially, though this may sound counter-intuitive, my sub. I don’t feel able to dominate yet, nor to have much in the way of non-D/s sex. It may sound odd that I’ve found my power in submissive fantasies and have yet to find any in dominance or “vanilla”. Actually I think that it makes perfect sense. I have found my sexual power, and started to enjoy it and relish it. This is a huge step forward. But *trusting* it… that’s another matter entirely. I’m still scared of that power, and especially scared of letting it loose with another person. In submission, most of the control of the situation goes to my Dom. Who is exceedingly trustworthy. In dominance and in non-D/s sexual activity, I have some or all of the control myself. And that’s something I’m really not ready for yet.

In the past – in all of my sexually active past, in fact – I’ve repressed my fears about all of this, and thus managed to engage in all sorts of activities that now seem absolutely terrifying. Realising that I was abused has made me confront all of this. It’s a very slow learning curve. Though I am very glad that my sub does have another partner who has no such problems!

*sighs* Well. One step at a time.

And I should read and learn from more of the “Healing Sex” book. And continue to work on all of this.

Little by little, step by step, I will get there. 🙂

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