Finding my dominance again: happiness, confidence, and a certain amount of awe…

April 20, 2013 at 12:26 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

It is a mark of the enormous trust I have for the Magician that I can submit to him, and I honestly did not expect that I would ever want to, let alone feel able to, submit to anyone else.

The Ranger and I are still a little under three weeks away from our first date, but it’s very clear already that we both passionately want him to dominate me. Our chats have been getting, if anything, steamier, more desperate, and around 50% of them have involved him dominating me. Including one last night that I am still joyfully reeling from. 🙂

And the other 50% involve me dominating him, and that’s where things get interesting. Because, thanks to the Magician, I already have some healthy, positive, *exceedingly hot* experiences as a sub. Yes, it takes a level of trust that I never truly thought I’d find with anyone other than the Magician. But it is a part of me that I have already started to become comfortable with. A part of me I understand. A way of inhabiting kink space that I find healing and helpful, as well as fantastically hot. Finding that I love submitting to the Ranger as well as the Magician was a surprise and a pleasure for us both, but in retrospect, it makes total sense.

But my own experiences prior to this as a dom, other than a couple of ill-advised chats several years ago with a Bad News person, have all involved the Warrior. Not good. Not good at all. When I first started writing this blog, I was genuinely of the opinion that I might never enjoy dominating anyone again – I was beginning to wonder if I’d been mistaken in believing myself as a switch. I had a few toppy feelings towards the Magician (he really does have a gloriously spankable bottom 🙂 ), but obviously never acted on them.  But no really *dominant* feelings, and all far less powerful than my submissive feelings towards him.

I have learned to associate dominating, with being cajoled, pressurised, into doing something for someone whose submission to me was never about *me*, and never came with genuine respect. With using that control as a means of keeping myself safe, not to truly enjoy it. And the very thought of engaging as a dom in the kind of intense mind-fucks that the Magician and I enjoy, repelled me in the extreme – because the only sub I thought I’d ever have was the Warrior, and over the last few years especially, I just didn’t want to get our brains that close to each other.

Dominating someone is, if done right, at least as much of an exercise of trust in them as submitting to them. This I knew – but, in the midst of what my relationship with the Warrior had become, and how he treated me – I never joined the dots. Never realised that my absolute, and warranted, lack of trust in him, was part of the problem here…

So, that gives some context to what follows.

Which is, that dominating the Ranger is something I am finding both ferociously hot, and utterly safe and lovely. That winning his trust, giving him wonderful experiences, having him entirely at my mercy and loving what I’m doing to him, is intoxicating and glorious and makes me boggle at myself for ever thinking that I might not be a switch.

And there is added power in it, because before he and I started our chatting and shared fantasies, he believed he was entirely a dom. That he can and does joyfully submit to me, that I’ve helped him discover and explore this side of him, is one of the greatest honours I can imagine. Every time I look at his fetlife profile, and see that he now describes himself as a switch, when before he did not, I find myself smiling. I laugh about it sometimes – claim to be smug, wonder whether there’s a switch equivalent of the toaster that members of the Bisexual Recruitment Army get. 😉 But actually, most of what I feel is awe, and gratitude, and responsibility, and protectiveness, and love. I treasure it, and I treasure him.

So far, we’ve only shared fantasies, and snatched moments of privacy last weekend. But I’ve given him his first taste of subspace. I’ve come very close to hypnotising him, with just a look and a few words. I’ve made him shake, and made him gasp, and made him swear. I’ve drawn intense, automatic obedience from him. I’ve rendered him speechless, and also sent him to a place where he’s described his submissive feelings with such a beautiful, touching eloquence that, re-reading it, it almost made me cry.

I’ve found aspects of dominance within myself that I didn’t know I had. And I know the kind of dom that I am, and want to be: ruthless, calm, sadistic – but also caring, affectionate, nurturing. Full of praise for pain well taken, obedience well given. Full of encouragement, full of forgiveness. And absolutely in control.

I’ve learned from the best – shamelessly borrowing from some aspects of the Magician’s domming style, and also a little from what I’ve seen of the Ranger’s own style as a dom. But most of all, I’ve found those places in my brain that buzz delightfully at taking a strong, powerful, brilliant, beautiful, wonderful man, and having him give me that power. At playing with it, and with him. And then returning it to him, stronger, I hope, than ever. I’ve found those places in my brain, and I’ve mixed them with just the person that I am, and I like what comes of that.

I pray that I never quite get over how magical this all is, nor ever take it for granted.

I feel like, for the first time in my life, I am truly, genuinely pretty happy with my sexual and kink-self. I’ve still got ways to go, but the background level is that of comfort, of safety, of self-respect, of content. And, even though my mental health is very poor just now, and I’m feeling broken and weak in many ways, the new strength that feeling at ease with myself sexually for the first time is bringing me, is giving me firm and powerful hopes for how very, very well I am eventually going to be.

And in the meantime, just… *wow*. Being a switch is the best. And the Magician and the Ranger are wonderful. I am awfully lucky. 🙂

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Dream recovery…

April 20, 2013 at 11:24 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

For the second time since getting involved with the Ranger, last night I dreamed that the Warrior was putting pressure on me to have sex with him again.

His argument was simple: you are doing this, this and this with the Ranger. Therefore you should be doing things with me, too. I was miserable, but a large part of me was all, “oh, well, since you put it like that…”.

The Magician was strangely absent from the dream, which fortunately did not get a lot further before I was woken by the alarm.

 

The first time I had a dream like this, it spun me, and left me feeling dreadful. This morning, while I am a little haunted by it, mostly I’m just relieved. I’ve woken up in a world where I don’t ever, *ever* have to let the Warrior touch me, ever again. And if he tries to touch me (in any capacity) without my consent, or tries to pressure me into touching him, then the wrath of a fair number of close friends, which is so far being held in check largely at my request, is likely to descend on him in a pretty bloody impressive way.

I may choose to hug him or shake his hand when I next see him. I don’t have to. I may choose to let him see me naked again (given that we both attend an annual weekend-long gathering at which there is a sauna). Again I don’t have to. It’ll be my choice, entirely. And if I do let him see me naked, it will be with the slightly petty but entirely justified satisfaction of knowing that he will be seeing something he is never, *ever* going to touch, ever again. That my bare skin is for others now, not him. And that I am no longer tied by marriage, by guilt, by being worn down, into feeling responsible in any way for his sexual needs, or his desire for me. I owe him nothing (beyond the decency and respect that I hope to manage towards all), and he has no one to blame for this but himself.

No one, ever, is going to guilt-trip, cajole, whine or otherwise pressure me into sex again. And every time my subconscious disturbs me with my fear of the Warrior getting to do that, I will have the joy of waking into a world where this is not the case.

 

And, besides. I highly doubt he even fancies me any more, and as far as I’m aware, he and his girlfriend are intending to be entirely exclusive. Which is fine, and their choice, and clearly what she wanted from him all along. And they’re bloody well welcome to each other. 🙂

 

My body, my sexuality – they are for me. But also, they are wonderful, powerful things that I get to share with people of my choosing. People who value me. People who understand consent. People who love me. People who make me tremble with desire. And in the Magician and the Ranger, I know I have chosen exceedingly well. 🙂

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All at sea, or, how I’m going to start building up a NSFW supplies collection ethically and with no money…

April 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I don’t, actually, know whether I currently own any sex or kink equipment.

The Warrior and I collectively had really quite a lot, mostly purchased years and years ago.

He used lots of it with his now-only-partner without checking with me first (meh 😦 ), and I have no idea whether in moving the things he wants to his new place, he left anything for me.

Most of it, I’m not sure whether I’d want now. Too many bad associations, and lots of the stuff wasn’t actually that good. (Pathetic little flogger from Ann Summers that did little other than leave bits of cheap suede everywhere, vicious metal handcuffs that are too uncomfortable for me to be much interested in experiencing them now, either on top or bottom. And so on. We were young, and unaware that there were better things out there.)

But I am rather hoping that when I next go to the house we used to live in, and sort out/collect some more of my stuff, he has at least left my cock behind. :-S It’s a gorgeous purple strap-on with purple velvet harness. It’s *beautiful*. And I found it very helpful indeed at a time when I was feeling particularly gender dysphoric. And it’s mine. Dammit. Not his. And definitely, *definitely* not hers.

We’ll see. If they really have taken it with them, it’s not like I’ll want it back. In time, eventually, I will acquire another one…

And in the meantime, I am thinking that I am going to have to – and certainly want to! – gradually build up a collection of sex and kink Things that I really like.

With the Magician, I do have some very delightful objects. Between us we have: his heavy paddle brush, the gorgeous cane (which scares me, for all the right reasons…), the beautiful flogger he made for himself (complete with epoxy-resin handle moulded to his hand…), the strips of theatre blackout curtain for bondage purposes. And of course, my collar and chain-leash. But those are either his, or things that are very much only for use with him. I rather like the idea of building up a collection – partly of things that I consider as mine to use with whomever I like, partly of more things for use with the Magician, and partly, I hope, of things for particular use with the Ranger. 🙂

The Magician might well be up for making me a flogger of my own at some point – though he is rather overloaded with other work, and he only sporadically feels up to making things for sex/kink purposes, which is fair enough. 😉

Building up a new collection will take a while. And there are so very many things I want to do with/to the Ranger, and that I’d like him to do with/to me, for which some form of equipment would be advantageous. The most important bits of equipment (mutual respect and love, utterly filthy imaginations, etc.), we definitely have in plentiful supply. 🙂 And I have a reasonably decent hairbrush for spanking purposes, plus one or two items of a vibrating nature… 😉 But other things… yes. I need.

I just went online and purchased some fair trade condoms. I am INCREDIBLY EXCITED at the existence of fair trade condoms. 🙂 I went for the fair-squared ones.

Beyond that, well, frankly, there are three problems:

– I don’t really know which suppliers to start looking at. I’m not that much in the scene – I sort of hover on the edge of it. And it’s a long time since I’ve done much purchasing of these things.

– I really want to purchase ethically-sourced things wherever possible, and annoyingly it looks like this is extra hard to do when buying kinky things. Or possibly it isn’t! I don’t know.

– I can’t actually afford anything other than the condoms at this point. 😉

Nothing I can do about the third of those especially! But if any of you, dear readers, are aware of (UK-based) sources of good-quality, reasonably-priced equipment for tying, spanking, insertion, pinching and other delightful treasures, I am very much open to recommendations. Even if it’s just so that I can start saving up. 🙂

I have been looking at Sh!’s website, and eying up some beautiful black leather, fur-lined handcuffs and wristcuffs, with D-rings. They would look breathtakingly sexy on the Ranger, and possibly pretty good on me. And they also look comfy, which for the most part is a lot of what I look for in bondage equipment. I totally can’t afford them yet. But possibly something to save up for. Is anyone able to comment on whether Sh!’s stuff is decent quality?

Ah well. Acquiring such things can be a medium-long term aim, and the last thing I should do right now is put pressure on myself to be an epically well-supplied kinkster, especially when finances are something of a struggle, and I’m rather short of space! And especially when the Magician can turn me into a helpless, moaning puddle with one hand gripping my hair, and the thumbnail of his other hand digging in hard and slowly across my lower back. Especially when stroking the Ranger on the back of his neck and locking gazes with him seems to produce some *very* interesting effects, and the sound of his whisper telling me one or two of the things he’d like to do to me, had me shivering with want. We have hands, we have tongues, we have teeth, we have eyes, we have minds.

But, yeah. In the long-run? A nice toy collection would also be rather pleasing.

And I am still so ridiculously excited about the fair trade condoms. 😉

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In which I name New Person, and squee rather a lot ;-)

April 14, 2013 at 9:41 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’ve spent a while over the past few days, contemplating a good fantasy archetype to use as a pseudonym on here for New Person.

I wondered about the Herald – with his wonderful projecting acting voice, and his bringing light and change into my life.

I wondered about the Shape-Shifter – acknowledging his switchiness, and his skill as an actor.

But neither of those felt quite rightly about him.

And finally, “the Ranger” slipped into my brain. And, of course he’s the Ranger. He loves walking in the countryside. He is built like the ranger archetype – tall and thin and ruggedly beautiful. He loves to explore, and is passionately curious about so much of life despite his depression.

Part of that exploration involves things he and I would like to do with and to each other, and the thought of that is… intoxicating.

We saw each other yesterday for the first time since our little mini-date in a cafe, the day after I asked him out. So, for the first time in nearly four weeks.

Our first actual date is still another four weeks away! But we had a small house party and play-reading yesterday, to celebrate the Magician’s birthday, and obviously the Ranger was one of the guests.

We were reading through “Julius Caesar”. I was playing Brutus, the Ranger was playing Cassius, the Magician was playing Antony. All The Feels. 🙂

The Ranger and I were fairly coupled-up at various points. Everyone, very definitely including the Magician, regarded this as both entertaining and exceedingly endearing. 😉 And the Ranger now has firm approval from one of the Magician’s other partners, who was there – and they are someone who is not easy to please, and is very protective of me. They are a good judge of character, and, while they never said so to me, were always a bit dubious about the Warrior. Their obvious liking for the Ranger is unsurprising, but deeply pleasing and reassuring.

When around others, the Ranger and I were fairly chaste in our snuggling. We sat close to each other, sometimes in each other’s arms. And as time went on, found it more and more impossible to not touch each other. I remember him chatting to various people while stroking my back, and drifting off into a reverie.

And every so often we would sneak into the kitchen, and kiss, and hold each other, and caress each other fiercely through our clothes, and gaze into each other’s eyes (and generally be utterly unspeakable 😉 ), and the sheer overwhelming mutual want was both glorious and agonising. I’ve gone in the space of a few weeks from wondering if I would ever get my libido back, to, well, this. Absolutely burning for each other. It is wonderful. 🙂

We’re seeing each other again today. Again, mostly in company, but I suspect we will still find another couple of quiet moments to torture each other and ourselves so delightfully.

And then, we won’t see each other for nearly four weeks. Which will be another form of delightful torture – with the anticipation, the lovely chatting. The waiting, but also the enjoying being together apart. The celebrating each other’s lives in different cities.

And I should also note here, one of the things that makes me happiest. Chatting in the kitchen with the Magician, the Ranger and the Magician’s aforementioned other partner. Far, far more relaxed and mutually friendly and respectful than any group containing the Magician and the Warrior ever was.

I amused quite a few people yesterday by pointing out that I had upgraded my polycule. It was silly, and funny, but also quite true. The chosen extended family aspect of polyamoury is part of what I love about it. And I’m now in a position where my loves get on really well with each other, and where all three of my metamours are truly excellent people whom I adore, and who are friends of mine in their own right.

As I’ve said a few times on this blog, my life at the moment has a vast amount of stress attached, along with grief, anger, and all the rest.

The Magician’s deep, wondrous love and care for me, and the fierce joy of falling in love with the Ranger – and the happy satisfaction of knowing that they truly like and respect each other – are like these shining lights in the midst of it all. I have really rather a lot of genuine happiness to go with the sorrow and pain and anxiety. And eventually, hopefully in the next six months, the dust from the ending of my marriage will clear. We’ll have sorted out the money, the divorce will be through. I’ll be able to start getting on with the rest of my life. And I’ll still have the Magician and the Ranger, and many, many wonderful friends, to walk at least some of that path with me.

Yay. 🙂

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Don’t take away my “yes” [TW for sexual assault]

April 7, 2013 at 2:03 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Apparently, second wave feminist (and noted transphobe) Germaine Greer said this yesterday:

“Evidence of violent constraint is usually taken to be evidence of withholding consent, even after women have been softened up for sadistic interaction by having their brains beaten into Fifty Shades of Grey.”

I haven’t read the article that the quotation was taken from. In all honesty, I suspect it would make me feel so angry and triggered that it would sap my energy, and there are things I want to get done today. It is therefore quite possible that I am taking her remarks out of a context that would change the meaning somewhat.

But out of context and given Greer’s general known views, the implications of the quotation make me exceedingly cross, though in a reasonably energised and articulate way. It seems to me that she is implying, quite strongly, that consensual BDSM is not a real thing – and that only a woman who has been somehow corrupted by a badly-written book could believe that she has consented to it.

Firstly, the difference between consensual BDSM and Fifty Shades of Grey is… quite marked. Not that I’d expect Greer to understand the difference. But, fail.

Now, as readers will know, I am a survivor of rape, of child abuse, of sexual abuse within a relationship.

And on those rare but wonderful occasions when the Magician ties me up and scratches and spanks me, I am bloody well consenting. Enthusiastically. Happily. Freely. Intelligently. Not because my brain has been “softened up”, but because this is part of my sexuality, part of how my body and brain like to interact with a sexual partner. Because it makes me feel amazing. Because it turns me on.

Just as the possibility of New Person doing the same to me at some point turns me on. Just as the possibility of me doing the same thing to New Person also turns me on.

I have fought long and hard and bitterly for the right to my own body, my own sexual power, my own choices. For my right to a true and meaningful “yes” to a sexual activity that I like. For anyone to now say that my enthusiastic consent isn’t good enough – that they are the ones who will decide whether my consent is real or not… just… EWWW.

There is nothing good, or feminist, about undermining someone else’s “yes”. The idea that only a man can truly, fully consent to a sexual activity is part of the patriarchy. If you tell me that my “yes” is meaningless, then you are undermining my “no”. And, more crucially in my case, you are undermining my scared/exhausted/drunk, “oh all right then”, and saying that is no less consent than “OMG yay, please do that!”. And that, my friends, is rape culture. It is a whopping big part of the problem.

I’m not a believer in “all choices are feminist”. And the concept of the male Dom and the female Sub as the One True Way in BDSM is *incredibly* patriarchal and icky and disgusting, as well as ridiculous, and I have no truck with it (and hope I would have no truck if I were a male Dom or a female Sub – as a genderqueer switch, of course I know it’s bollocks!). But it is perfectly possible to have any of the orientations within BDSM and be a feminist, and oppose rape culture. Both of which Greer is singularly failing to do when saying things like the quotation above.

And also? This:

Tying me up and hurting me because we both passionately want you to = consenting.

Guilt-tripping, cajoling me and bullying me into tying you up and hurting you = not consenting.

This does not strike me as a complicated thing to grasp. 😉

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And now, the difficult stuff [TW for sexual assault, sexual abuse]

April 1, 2013 at 11:46 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This being the blog in which I talk both about my kink/sex life and about being an abuse survivor?

There is something I’ve not talked about on here, but with my relationship with the Warrior over, it’s time.

The Warrior was not actually very nice to me.

For much of our relationship, he frequently guilt-tripped or otherwise pressured me into sex, and otherwise trampled on my boundaries. Even in the last 2-3 years of our marriage, I had to repeatedly ask and insist and argue until he would finally stop his habit of groping me and then not letting go when I said “no”, saying that he “liked fondling me” (so therefore my preferences about it were irrelevant? :-S ). And then there were other things – him getting in a mood with me when sex hurt me and I had to ask him to stop. And the time when he accidentally penetrated my anus rather than my vagina in the heat of the moment, and was furious with me when I was distressed about it and insisted that he wash before we resumed.

It was no wonder that even though he is a switch, in the latter years, as I started to recognise that I am allowed physical boundaries, I had no interest in submitting to him. I simply did not trust him at all. Dominating him still appealed, but I confess with some shame that my main motivation in wanting to tie his wrists was not lust, but to keep his hands from touching me in ways I did not want or like. It was, by the end, about the only way I could bear to be sexually or kinkily active with him. His submission started to pall, to feel false and even rather nauseating. He fawned on me, but he did not respect me – in the bedroom or out of it. He had me on a pedestal, but did not admire or truly love the fullness of the person that I am. And whenever I fell off that pedestal, he was harsh, patronising, even a little emotionally abusive. He supported me financially and (at least until the Magician came on the scene) was also my primary carer in my disability. Unfortunately he also believed this gave him an automatic moral high ground in our relationship, he resented my neediness and did not deal with that resentment. He treated me as though I were not an adult, not his equal. He was dismayed by my coming out as genderqueer, dismissive of my childhood experiences. The Magician put his finger on it absolutely when he said that even at his best, the Warrior mostly regarded me as a cross between a pet and a social secretary – and I never even noticed the damage that was doing.

Getting together with the Magician changed me, and in ways the Warrior did not like. The Magician’s love, and respect, and care for me made me value myself more. He gave me the courage to explore myself, and to learn to like what I saw. The dissonance between the way they each treated me was often confusing and even painful. Though it still did not really clue me in to how dysfunctional my marriage to the Warrior actually was.

I never consciously noticed it at the time, but while I loved the Warrior for the whole time we lived together, his treatment of me and my subconscious awareness of his own unhappiness in the relationship were a constant, dull, horrible pain and sorrow.

Realising that I was abused as a child was awful and overwhelming, but it also gave me an excuse to just back the hell away from my sexuality and kink-self, and so escape that part of my relationship with the Warrior entirely. The Magician is grey-A, only sporadically kinky and/or sexual himself. And even if that were not the case, he respects me utterly. His attitude was: whatever I needed, was no problem for him at all. But the Warrior hated it. Throughout that whole two years of processing the child abuse, he almost entirely failed to have my back. He saw it as just another example of my being too weird to deal with, and thoroughly resented the lack of sex.

And now? I’m free of him. And, you know, in many ways that freedom hurts! In a few months I will start living on my own for the first time in my life – and I have anxiety, depression, monophobia, agoraphobia and ME/CFS. It’s going to be a massive challenge, and I am afraid. Meanwhile, my living temporarily with the Magician has screwed up his disability benefits (basically because the DWP is run by sociopaths). I’ve gone from a comfortable middle class lifestyle to a poor one, and inevitably that was something of a shock.

So, there is fear. There is grief. There is hurt. And more fear because, you know, anxiety disorder.

But oh goodness, also a joy so fierce it’s sometimes unbearable. The relief of pressure from no longer desperately trying to please and love someone who did not respect me is more powerful than I can describe. And between that and the tremendous support I’ve had from the Magician and various close friends, my mental health is actually remarkably okay right now considering. I feel that with a tremendous weight lifted from me, I am gradually drifting upwards.

And then there has been the last three weeks! To have, suddenly, two partners who both truly respect and love and value the person I am is almost brain-breakingly wonderful. I’ve been actively poly for over 4 1/2 years, but I don’t think I ever truly understood what that meant until now.

And the idea of sex and kink is pleasing and appealing again – and actually, more wonderful than it has been at any time, because I am so much more healed from my childhood from all of the processing I’ve done over the last 2-3 years, as well as being without the Warrior. I don’t feel triggered or trapped or panicky at the idea of doing things, watching things, thinking about things. I’ve been cheerfully watching clips on Dreams of Spanking, and looking forward to when I can afford to get some paid content! I’m looking forward to having both the Magician and New Person take photos of me – neither are photographers at the semi-professional level of the Warrior, but they’re also both pretty good, and could do with the practise. 😉 Above all, I feel I can respect and love myself, as a person with a sexual appetite, as an obedient and hedonistic sub, as a caring and sadistic dom. As a powerful person, whichever form my kink is taking – and I am, at the least, much less scared of that than I have been in the past. As a beautiful genderqueer person, who is now free to explore the possibilities of life with a great deal more freedom and integrity than ever before.

None of which is to say that I’m healed entirely, from the child abuse, from being raped as a teenager, from what I am (with sorrow) coming to regard as a sexually and occasionally emotionally abusive relationship of thirteen years. I am not. But I am closer to it than I have ever been.

It was the Warrior’s decision to leave me for his other partner when she made him choose between us, and while it was mine to end the actual relationship, it was clear that he was only holding back from doing this himself due to lack of courage. The decision to divorce was taken jointly.

It is hard, right now, to feel very grateful to him or his other partner for anything! But I am really, really glad that he chose her over me. However devastating and terrifying many aspects of all this are, it is, I think, going to prove one of the best things that has ever happened to me. 🙂

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Teehee…

April 1, 2013 at 10:49 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I do not actually brat. Honest.

But a couple of days ago, I was giving some (entirely non-kinky) skincare attention to the Magician. I was careful, but it was the kind of thing that does inevitably hurt. He winced and whinged a bit.

I might have made a teasing reference to doms being fragile. I might have mentioned us switches and subs as being all tough and resilient in comparison.

Naturally, he tested this theory by giving me a gloriously hard single hand-spank to my bottom. 🙂

I think I proved my case by my vocal appreciation, and then demanding another one because the first (delivered at an awkward angle) was slightly off-centre. I don’t like being asymmetrical. 😉

 

Nope, not a brat. I will admit, however, to being, in my polygendered way, something of a wench. And when it gets me such a good result, can you blame me? 🙂

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